Conflict Resolution

Peer Problem Solving Tools. Peer conflict is a common issue that young children face.  Parents can help teach children the skills for problem solving so that they learn to resolve them without adults.  The first step is always to listen with empathy.  We cannot hear until we have been heard.  Two methods of support are offered:

• Use the S-T-E-P approach.
  • Say the problem in a neutral, non blaming way. Blaming words might be “You always” or “You never.”
    • If two children want the same toy, get them to say what they want and then put it together.  “You both want a turn with the toy.”
  • Think of solutions:  Try to help the children identify three or more possible solutions.
  • Explore consequences:  Consider the pros and cons of each solution.
  • Pick the best solution:  Recognize that sometimes Plan A does not work, so you go to Plan B or C (the other possible solutions).
• Solution Focused Approach (don’t want to ask all of these? Fine, pick a few and try it)
  • Identify the goal or best hope for each person
  • Scale the problem.  Ask each: “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being that your best hope has been achieved and 1 is the opposite, what number would you give this problem?”
  • Scale the motivation. “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being super eager and 1 is the opposite, how willing are you to achieve your best hope?”
  • Explore wants:  Ask each:  “What do you want from (name)?” and confirm understanding from the listener “What did (name) say they wanted?”
  • Explore the exceptions.  When has the problem been less, smaller, or not present?  Elicit and amplify the details of these prior successes.
  • What are you each willing to do to help improve this situation?
  • Tell them that you will check back later (one week?) and at that time ask each child what they did that helped the things get better.